I think there’s a misnomer that once you lose weight you magically become a new person. That whatever made you gain weight in the first place will go away, but that’s not true. At least not for me.
An interesting phenomenon is the fact that at age 24 and a size 12 (now) I am far more cognizant of my body shape and size than I was at age 16 and a size 26. It is as if the smaller I got the more aware I was of my body. In fact something I’ve realized is that I never ever show people pictures of me at my highest weight. My family all know of course but when I meet new people I’m fine with telling them I’ve lost weight...but somehow the fact that I’m not skinnier, or the fact that I was so big, stops me and I never show them I looked like before. So here goes….
It’s been a long journey for me. At 16 I topped the scale at 305 pounds and I knew something had change. I wasn’t terribly self conscious, in fact neither myself or my family had ever truly realized how large I’d gotten. I was a happy girl, but I wasn’t healthy.
Cue in the next few years and I did slimfast, calorie counting, weight watchers, and just plain starvation type diets. I did it though. I went from 305 pounds to 147. I still distinctly remember the day I reached my goal weight – I was 18 and it was Easter. At my senior prom I pulled a size 4 dress off the mannequin and felt like Cinderella. It didn’t last long though. It was maybe 6 months or so before the weight slowly started coming back on and I shouldn’t have been surprised. Losing it I’d learned a lot about portion control and healthy eating, but I’d also learned that deprivation meant a faster loss and I didn’t eat enough. At my lowest weight people thought I looked sick. So gaining a few pounds wasn’t a big deal because I was still eating healthy just eating more.
Then cue in the next few years, where my weight fluctuated up and down by about 15-20 pounds. It’s a weird feeling for me when I look back at photo albums now because in each album my body size is so different. The last few years have been a struggle for me going up and down 10 pounds and struggling to get back down to a slightly lower weight. What I’ve noticed though is that I’ve gotten harder on myself. I often times forget the journey I’ve been on; how hard I’ve worked, how many things I’ve over come and the things I’ve learned about myself and my body (and the things I still can learn).
Yesterday, I was at Macy’s with my mom and just for fun decided to try on a gorgeous evening dress. It was backless and very slim fitting. It was a size 12 but looked so small on the hanger but I decided to try it on anyway and you know what…I felt amazing. For the first time in a long time I remember how hard I’ve worked and far I’ve come.
I don’t have exactly the body I’d always dreamed of. I’m still squishy in some places and I need to lose another 15 pounds (one day!) but it was a reminder to me, and something I felt was important enough to share – to appreciate yourself and your body at every step of life’s journey. I may not be perfect, but I’m me and I’m strong.
Thanks for sharing. You seem like a very strong person.
ReplyDeletelookin fabulous!!!!
ReplyDeleteI loved reading your story it gives me hope for myself. I was 315 at my highest weight and I lost almost 30 pounds the hard way before I decided I need to find something that was going to be long term and healthy not starving myself and surviving on water and cheese cubes. When I joined WW things def. change for the better I still have about 90 more pounds to shed but reading stories like your own give me motivation to keep going!! I have hoards of pics of myself at 315 that I keep hidden in some drawer in my room I think when I finally hit goal I will finally take them out just to really compare, and see the progress that I have made. I love the dress you tried on the back straps that criss crossed are awesome you looked great way to go!!
ReplyDeleteThis is inspiring! I need to loose some weight. Especially if I want to have kids. I don't want to become obese and diabetic when I become pregnant. I mean I know I will put on weight but if I start out smaller maybe it wont be so bad. I tried WW too but it just wasn't for me. I got tired of counting everything. I even tried Jenny Craig but it was just gross. My husband and I cut out fast food and soda and ate low fat and non fat meals and walked everyday and that really helped. But it's just being consistent and not stopping that I struggle with. I love your story though. I remember the other Janel from kindergarten to middle school. I hope to get where your at some day.
ReplyDelete-Candace